YOOPER JOKES


A true Yooper enjoys a good laugh even if it is at our own expense.


A plane crash occurred yesterday or the day before on the east side of Baraga, Michigan in the Upper Peninsula. The news media labeled it as " Northern Michigan's Worst Air Disaster."

The local news media is reporting: "Northern Michigan's worst air disaster occurred today when a Cessna 152, a small 2 seater plane, crashed into a Church cemetery here early this morning. Ole and Sven, working as a search and rescue team, have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening."


After having dug to a depth of 100 feet last year, New York scientists found 
traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that 
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 200 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high- tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, The Escanaba Press a local newspaper in Upper Michigan, reported the following: After digging over 300 feet in his pasture, Ole Olson, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he'd found absolutely nothing.

Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Upper Michigan had already gone wireless.

Who said YOOPERS were years behind?


WINTER BLONDE

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her
car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and
you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She
jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the
blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your
load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the
truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name
is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back
to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT
TRUCK!"


  
                 
                   Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Punta
                   Gorda, Florida. They turned a corner and see a sign that
                   says, 'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents.
                 
                   'They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is
                   too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice
                   that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour
                   one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?'
                 
                   There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men
                   ordered a martini. In short order, the bartender serves
                   up four iced martinis...shaken, not stirred, and says,
                   'That'll be 10 cents each, please.' The four men stare at
                   the bartender for a moment. Then look at each
                   other...They can't believe their good luck. They pay the
                   40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
                 
                   Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the
                   bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please.' They
                   pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they
                   can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far
                   they have spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men
                   says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as
                   these for a dime a piece?'
                 
                   'I'm a retired tailor from Boston,' the bartender said,
                   and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the
                   Lottery for $125 million and decided to open this place.
                   Every drink costs a dime wine, liquor, beer, it's all the
                   same.'
                 
                   Wow!!!! That's quite a story, says one of the men.
                 
                   The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't
                   help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar
                   who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't
                   ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man
                   gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks
                   and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'
                 
                   The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all old retired finlanders
                   from the UP of Michigan. They're waiting for happy hour when
                   drinks are half price.'

     OLE and SVEN

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks,
and go to Hell.

When they arrive, the Devil observes that they are really enjoying
themselves.

He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?

Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Meeshigan, da
land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer da chance ta varm up a little
bit, ya know.'


The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns
up the heat even more.

When he returns to the room of the two guys from Meeshigan, the devil
finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer.


The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is
in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?'

Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm
veather up dere in Meeshigan, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da
veather's dis nice.'


The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight.
Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat
because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all
the heat off in Hell.

The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are
hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to
wail, moan or gnash their teeth.

The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven.  He gets
there and finds them back in their parkas, chooks, and mittens.
They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad
men.


The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up
the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy.
What is wrong with you two?'

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell,
don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Lions
yust von da Super Bowl.'


Two Duck Hunters from Wisconsin

ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00). He and a friend go duck hunting in mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR. They decide they want to make a natural looking water area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.

Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.

Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, And the DOG...???

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high Rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dogs rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then """"""""""BOOOOOOOOOOOOM""""""""""!!!! The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with....."I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments...The dog is okay...

Newspaper item from Wisconsin...


THE CREATION OF MICHIGAN

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him,
resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have You been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through
the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place
of balance."

"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of  earth,"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity
and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor;the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.  Over here I've placed
a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"

God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be
very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass
and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. 
"That's Michigan, the most glorious place on earth. You'll notice that it is made in the fashion of my hand, the Hand of God.

There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills. The people from Michigan are going to be modest, intelligent
 and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working
and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,"  What about balance, God?" "You said there would be balance!"
God replied wisely,"Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting around them in Ohio, Indiana,Wisconsin and Canada."


Day of Judgment!

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?" "Ah, those . . ." Satan said with a groan. "They're all Yoopers. They're still too cold and wet to burn."

One Yooper is better than ten Iraqis"

A brigade of Iraqi soldiers is moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One Yooper from Michigan is better than ten Iraqis."

The Iraqi commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes and then, silence.

The voice once again calls out "One Yooper from Michigan is better than ten Iraqis."

Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again, silence.

The Rebel voice calls out again "One Yooper from Michigan is better than ten Iraqis."

The enraged Iraqi commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.

Eventually one badly wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men...... it's a trap.

There are two of them.



Benfishinlately


yOOper?


You know you're a yOOper when:

- You own only three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup

- You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit

- You have more miles on your snow machine than your car

- You have at least 10 favorite recipes for venison

- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard

- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled 
  with snow

- You think everyone from the city has an accent 

- You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie
  with only 8 buttons

- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car 

- The local paper covers national and international
  headlines on l/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports

- Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof

- You think the start of deer hunting season is a national 
   holiday 

- Summer takes place the second week of July (and it still
     rains!!)

- You know which leaves make good toilet paper 

- You find -20F a little chilly 

- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer 

- You attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest 
  jewelry and your snowmobile boots 

- Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout 

- You know the 4 seasons:  Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter,  
  and  Construction.  

- The municipality buys a zamboni before a bus 

- You drink "Vernors" and play "Euchre"

- You actually 'get' these jokes, and forward them to all your 
  Michigan friends


CAMPING ALERT

In the UP, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in the Porcupine Mountains. The bells warn away MOST bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Black Bears. One can tell Black Bear droppings because of the tiny bells in it.


Eino and Toivo were sitting at the Side Track in Baraga enjoying a few bottles of Old Milwaukee. As usually happens with bottled beer, the label came off the bottle. Now this label being rather attractive, caught Eino attention. Not sure what to do with this highly desirable bit of memorabilia, Eino decided to stick it to his forehead. Several beers later, or was it several hours later, Eino and Toivo decide it's time to start for home. Now, these two boys live in Pelkie, so, of course, they must drive home. As luck would have it, not two far down the road, the cops pull Eino and Toivo over. The officer asks, "Have you boys been drinking"? Eino wondering why the officer would ask such a thing ponders the officer question for several moments, shaking his head and pointing to his forehead he stutters, "No Siree, Officer. We're on da patch.
A down stater (Troll)was sitting at the bar in L'Anse and asked the bartender if he would like to hear a Finnlander joke. The bartender leaned over and said, "Do you see that guy in the corner? He is the local sheriff, and he is a Finn. The man at end of the bar works for the DNR and he is a Finn. And buddy, I myself am of Finnish descent. Now, are you sure you still want to tell a Finnlander joke?" The down stater replied, "No, not if I have to explain it three times."

Lempi took a job with Moyle Construction to paint lines on US41. The first day he painted ten miles. The boss was very impressed. The second day he painted two miles. The boss was a little disappointed. The third day he only painted 500 feet. The boss sat him down and said," Lempi, how come you paint ten miles the first day, two miles the next day, but only 500 feet today?". Lempi replied, "Well, ya see boss, each day I git farder and farder from da darn paint can".


Teemu and Eino were driving their pickup truck to Michigammee. When they got to the traffic light in Negaunee, Teemu drove right through the red light. Eino cried, "Holywha, Teemu, what are you doing?" Teemu kept driving and replied, "Don't worry, my brother taught me to drive". When they got to the light in Ishpeming, Teemu drove through another red light. Eino asked, "Why do you keep runnin' dem red lights?". Teemu said, "Don't worry, my brother, he taught me ta drive". When they got to the light in West Ishpeming, Teemu slammed on the brakes and screeched to a halt at a green light. Eino asked, "Teemu, why do you drive through red lights but stop at green lights?". Teemu replied, "My brother might be coming da other way".


Eino and Toivo were roofing their new deer camp out in Mass City. Every now and then Eino would take one of the nails and throw it to the ground. Toivo finally asked, "Hey Eino, what are you doing dat for?". Eino replied,"Some of these nails have da heads on the wrong side, so I am throwing dem away." Toivo chuckled and said, "Eino you dumb sitt! Dose nails are for da otter side of da house".


Toivo was at the bar in Baraga drinking a Stroh's and watchin the Packers on the television when a big tall rancher from Texas came strolling in. The Texan started drinking and bragging to Toivo about how much money he made and how many head of cattle he owned. He said to Toivo in a loud voice, "I can drive all day and never reach the end of my property!". Toivo replied, "Yah, I got a pickup like dat too, mister."


Eino and Toivo were driving down US 2 to Manistique when they saw a man selling pumpkins on the side of the road for one dollar each. Eino looked at Toivo and said, "Ya know, we could buy dose pumpkins and resell them and make some money". Toivo replied, "Yah, dat is a great idea!". So they stopped at the pumpkin stand and bought 100 of them. They paid the man $100 and drove down the road a few miles. They parked on the side of the road and put up a sign that read, "Pumpkins For Sale 1 Dollar each!". Throughout the day they had many customers, and when they started running out of pumpkins, Eino looked at Toivo and said, "Dis doesn't make much sense, Toivo. We are not making much money here." Toivo replied, "Yah, I know. We need to get a bigger pickup."


Eino was coming out of Pickleman's Pantry in Newberry carrying a bag of pasties. Toivo was getting gas and saw him with the bag. "Hey, Eino. If I guess how many pasties you have in dat bag, can I have one?" Eino replied, "If you can guess how many I have, I'll give you both of them." Toivo answered, "Holywha! Okay, I think you have five of them."


CHRISTMAN IN DA U.P.

        'TWAS DA NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAN IN DIS FINNISH HOUSE
         AND NUTTIN VAS STIRRIN' - NOT EVEN DA MOUSE
         DA REST OF DA FAMILY VAS ALL FAST ASLEEP
         WIT VISIONS OF PASTIES DELIVERED BY JEEP

         DA VORKBOOTS VAS HUNG BY DA CHIMBLEY WIT CARE
         IN HOPES DAT ST. NIKKULA SOON VOULD BE DERE
         AND IN DA FAR CORNER VAS LOVELY TO SEE
         DA STROH'S CANS AND CABBAGE DAT HUNG FRON DA TREE

         MA HOME FROM DA EMPIRE AND ME OUTTA YAIL
         HAD YUST HIT DA HAY FOR SOME PRE-CHRISTMAN TAIL
         DEN ALL OF A SUDDEN DA HOUSE START'S TO SHUDDER
         SOME NUT'S ON DA ROOF AND HE'S BROKE DA RAIN GUTTER

         HE YUMPS DOWN DA CHIMBLEY AND SWEARS CAUSE IT'S TIGHT
         AS I HIDE BEHIND BEER CASES, WAY OUTTA SIGHT
         HE LANDS IN DA FIREBLACE SCORCHING HIS HAIR
         ON AHE CLIMBS OUT  DA FIREBLACE AND I TAKE A LOOK
         HE'S YUST LIKE DEY SHOW HIM IN MY COLORING BOOK
         WIT VODKA-GLAZED EYES AND DA STOMACH LIKE A BUBBLE
         A FIVE-DAY-OLD BEARD AND DERE'S SOOT ON DA STUBBLE

         HIS TEETH WHEN HE SMILE LOOK LIKE GRAMPA'S SWEDE SAW
         HE WEARS TENNIS SHOES  BIG AS GRIZZLY BEAR'S PAW
         DIS OLD FINNISH ELF GIVES ME NUTTIN TO FEAR
         VEN HE HEADS FOR DA KITCHEN FOR COOKIES AND BEER !

         HE KILLS OFF A SIX-PACK DEN BELCHES AND SMIRKS
         DEN REACHES IN 'TATO SACK, READY TO VORK
         NOW UNDER DA TREE HE IS STARTIN' TO SET
         DA MOST BEAUTIFUL PRESENTS US FINLANDERS GET

         DERE'S NEW PASTY-MATIC, A SHOVEL FOR BRUDDER
         A JONSEREDS CHAIN-SAW, A PICK-AXE FOR MUDDER
         SOME MUD FLAPS AND CB FOR MY NEW 4-WHEELER,
         A HELMET AND NIGHT SHIRT DAT SAY "PITTSBURGH STEELERS"

         HE CLOSES DA SACK AND YUMPS BACK IN DA COALS
         AND HOLLERING, "YOUCH!" UP DA CHIMBLEY HE ROSE
         HE GRUNTED AND GROUSED AS HE TOSSED OUT HIS BAG
         AND CRACKED SUCH A BEER FART I'M STARTIN' TO GAG!

         I MUST WATCH HIM LEAVE, SO I RUSHES OUTSIDE
         AND LOOKS UP DA ROOF WHILE IN BUSHES I HIDE
         AND VAT DOES I SEE VEN I LOOKS TRU DA TVIGS ?
         BUT DIS OLD VOODEN GARBAGE-CART PULLED BY EIGHT PIGS !

         SANTALA YUMP IN AND GIV 'EM ALL HELL :
         "LET'S GO ALL YOUSE PIGS, DON'T JUST SIT DERE AND SMELL !
         ON EINO ! ON TALSTO ! ON LEMPPI ! ONE JOE !
         AMD ALLA YOUSE UDDERS WHAT NAMES I DUNNO !"

         "FLY OVER NEGAUNEE AND TURN TO DA RIGHT
         WE'LL MAKE HOUGHTON/HANDCOCK BEFORE I GET TIGHT !"
         DA PIGS OINKED AND SQUEALED AS DEY VENT ON DERE VAY
         NO VUNDER HE NEVER SHOWS UP CHRISTMAN DAY 


Da Yooper Creation Story

In da beginning there was nuttin' Den on da first day God created the U.P. On the second day He created da partridge, da deer, da bear, da fish, and da ducks. On da third day He said "Let there be YOOPERS to roam the U.P." On the fourth day He created da udder world down below, and on da fifth day He said "Let there be TROLLS to live in da world down below." On da sixth day He created 'DA BRIDGE' so da TROLLS would have a way to get to Heaven. God saw it was good and on the seventh day He went fishin' and watched da sunset from Brockway Mountain!!! An' dese are Da Facts accordin' ta da way it wuz.

The jeep will take you out of here.

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